On the I Cs without a paddle (this is meaningless and irrelevant)

Coming back to the phonetic alphabet, here are a few versions, which can be used to help or not, according to circumstances. They are all, I think, far better than the accepted versions.

And Happy Birthday Dilly!

Gordie came up with this one:

A for Horses
B for Chicken
C for Yourself / C for Miles
D for Kate / D for estation
E for Brick at ‘im
F for Vescent
G for Indians / G for Inspector
H for Consent /Concern / Drinking
I for Big ‘Un / The Engine
J for Cakes
K for Sutherland
L for Betty Spaghetti / Leather
M for Sis / for Mation
N for Lopes
O for Goodness’ Sake / the Wings of a Dove
P for Drugs Test
Q for the Toilet
R for Minute/ R for Ransome
S for Rantzen
T for Two / Gums / On Edge
U for Coffee /U for Me
V for Espana
W for Money
X for Breakfast
Y for Girlfriend

and, how to finish this off?

Zee for Cider
Zed for Zodiac Mark I
Zed for the Greek god of the wind

Ephelba suggested a Misleading Alphabet. A few gaps here, can you help? - and scope for improvement with others.

A - Aestivate
B -
C - Czar
D - Djinn
E - Effing
F - Floccinaucinihilipilification
G - Gnome
H - Honour
I -
J -
K - Knight or Kew
L - Llanelli or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
M - Mnemonic
N - Neurosis
O - Other
P - Pneumatic
Q - Qatar
R - Rigoletto
S - Scythe
T - Tzatziki
U -
V - Verisimilitude
W - Wriggling or writhe
X - Xylem or Xavier
Y - Ypres (pronounced correctly or as 'Wipers', each works)
Z - Bed

Caitlin suggested the Drinking Woman's Alphabet (men are welcome to join us). I gave up on a few and looked up cocktails; if you have better ideas please let me know.

A - Amaretto
B - Baileys
C - Cointreau
D - Drambuie
E - Eiswein
F - Frascati
G - Gin
H - Hock
I - Imbibe
J - Jack Daniels
K - Kirsch
L - Limoncello
M - Margarita
N - Newcastle Brown ale
O - Ouzo
P - Port
Q - Quagmyre (nah, don't fancy it)
R - Rum
S - Schnapps
T - Tequila
U - Urbinos (this sounds quite interesting; white wine, cognac and raspberry liqueur)
V - Vodka
W - Whisky
X - Xaviera (no, I've never tried it, I shirk cocktails that have whipped cream in)
Y - Yucka (now, this sounds delicious. Vodka, lemon, lime and sugar)
Z - Zinfandel

And I suggest one to confuse and mildly embarrass the charming young gentleman at the other end of the telephone:

A - Adore
B - Bottom
C - Charming
D - Delightful
E - Entrancing
F - Fondle
G - Gorgeous
H - Handle
I - Invite
J - Jerk
K - Kiss
L - Love
M - Messing
N - Naughty
O - Organ
P - Pants
Q - Quiescent
R - Respectable
S - Snot
T - Teasing
U - Urge
V - Vivacity
W - Writhe (too like Ephelba's idea, but such a nice word)
X -Xenophilia
Y -Yum
Z - Zestfulness

Another list, this time from Dandelion. I could not get away with using this, I'd sound quite off-colour. You have to be young enough (but not too young) or really quite old and I'm still in those in-between years.

A - Arousal
B - Breasts
C - Clitoris
D - Dildo
E - Erection
F - Foreplay
G - G-spot, Groping
H - Hanky Panky
I - Intercourse
J - Juicy
K - Kissing
L - Labia
M - Making Love
N - Nipples
O - Orgasm
P - Penetration
Q - Quim
R - Roleplaying
S - Sexy
T - Tampons, Titillate, Thrusting
U - Uterus
V - Vagina
W - Womanhood
X - X-static
Y - Yoiks, YesYesYes!
Z - Zip