A breach, dear friends and supper

What struck me most in the news today was the breach in the canal in Shropshire.  We didn't go on that stretch, when Mig and Barney kindly took me on a canal holiday in April 2015, but only because we went westwards over the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct into Wales.  A canal breach is always serious and this one was horrendous.  It was the good fortune of one man waking to use the loo in the night, at the right time to realise what was happening, jump off his narrowboat and warn his neighbours, that saved them.  I'm not sure what effect it'll have on boats stranded either side of the breach, they could be stuck for a long time.  

We went to visit Pam this afternoon.  I'm so awfully sorry for her.  Her family seems to squabble among themselves and her and they don't appear to recognise her loss of a husband of 50 years.  As difficult as she can be, she's the one whom all attention and kindness should be focussed on.  Having always been very capable and in charge, she now is very dependent, which is tough to cope with.  She needs to be listened to and helped, not argued with - it doesn't matter if there's a better way of doing something, she's at the centre of the circle and and complaints should go out, not in. 

Look up the circle of grief ring theory - summed up by "comfort in, dump out."  I saw what could happen when my father died, leaving my mother a sudden widow at 46.  "There! Now you'll know what it's like to be lonely!" is not the thing to say.  Nor "sell your big house and move to a nice little bungalow in Worlingham." I didn't get any of this, in fact, I didn't seem to attract unkindness.  Nor kindness, for the most part.  Numbered fewer than the fingers on one hand were local friends who asked me round, in the first year after Russell died.  Blog friends did considerably better and are so much loved - they already were, but appreciated even more.

If a friend is widowed, please ask them over.  Invite another couple or a few more friends, nothing to challenge but don't try to match up.  Within the first year, they may not notice, but after that they'll feel it's an attempt to pair with another single person.  Just include them, relaxedly.  They'll be incredibly grateful and may tell you so, years later.   Just a kitchen supper is fine.