Monday, 3 October 2011

TweedleSage and TweedleZed

I was awake again for a couple of hours in the night, but we rather dismally overslept this morning.  Fortunately, it didn't matter.

Regarding *friends for a particular reason*, it seems to be a man thing - or is that unfair, and it's actually a Sage thing?  I shall explain what I mean, but please don't take this as a complaint, I love the Sage and all his interests dearly, and I don't mind ... but once in a while, it'd be nice if he shared some of my interests as I do his.

If you asked me to list mine, for example, books and music would come high on the list.  Neither would feature anywhere on his.  But pretty well everything that he would itemise is something that I am prepared to take an interest in, and this isn't reciprocated at all.  I could do a long list, but it wouldn't really help matters- the point is not what they are but that I obligingly take an interest because he does, and it wouldn't occur to him to do the same thing.

I did have a bit of a go, a year or two ago - "you hardly ever encourage me," I said.  "I don't discourage you," he defended himself.  Um.  A silence fell.  The truth is, he assumes I will engage in his enthusiasms - and I do, I don't want to leave the impression that we go our separate ways entirely - while he is just indulgent towards mine without thinking that they should involve him.

We have agreed to differ for more than 38 years, there is no likelihood that things will ever change.  Fortunately, we both like our own space and shy away from the notion of doing everything together.  I'm not sure how this makes us look here, probably not a very attractive couple, but I know I'm not explaining it well at all. In particular, I don't want to make him sound unsupportive - it's just that he's more single-minded than I am (single isn't right either, he has a range of interests) - it's the difference between a specialist and a Jack of all trades.  He masters, I dabble.  He supports my enthusiasms, if he doesn't share them.

Except, I will say, for the friends I've made through blogging.  There, he has been absolutely delightful.  He hasn't felt excluded, but has somehow understood how engaged I've become with people I had never met.  It helped, of course, that my very first blog-meet included him, and that it was with the delightful charming but picky Blue Witch, with whom I felt such an instant rapport  whose lovely husband is similarly warm towards this unusual sort of friendship.  That he liked them so much gave him confidence that internet friendships are not odd.  Necessarily.  And, darling man, he was entirely warm and welcoming when we had our party to celebrate the building of the wall back in May.  I suppose we suit reasonably well after all.


16 comments:

Tim said...

My parents had practically no interests in common, nor did they pretend to be particularly interested in each other's interests or activities. My mother once hinted that this was the secret of their 65-year marriage...

Blue Witch said...

*blushes*

*speechless*

*reflects*

*notes that it's only Mr BW who is described as lovely*

*accepts that that's the truth* ;)

Z said...

We wouldn't want to be the sort of couple who do everything together. We want to be able to surprise and delight each other at the end of the day, not to be same-old together.

Oh darling, I considered the matter and decided you would think any more would be gushing.
I'll go back and lay my heart right out there on my sleeve.

Z said...

Better now? :D

Blue Witch said...

No, it's too gushing ;) ;)

Z said...

Of course it was. You should know how difficult I find to do half measures. Is this acceptable?

Blue Witch said...

Fantastic :)

Z said...

Whew.

Marion said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marion said...

I certainly understand your shared interests situation. I have that too.

Dave said...

And then The Sage met me, and realised that internet friendships are very odd indeed.

Z said...

When we married, I saw what I had in common with him rather than what he didn't have in common with me! But, having worked together for so long, it's pretty vital that we have separate interests too. Wouldn't want to be cosy.

Funnily enough, he took our friendship as completely natural, Dave. But then the Sage is, admittedly, slightly odd himself.

mig said...

I once read a magazine article which said that in most lasting relationships, one partner usually is more willing to share the other's interests.
We are very similar (though I draw the line at developing any more than a polite interest in stamps) and we think having widely different interests is one of the things that keeps us happy together. And I am lucky to be able to bring my camera along when we're jointly indulging in boats and steam trains and Victorian architecture.

Mike and Ann said...

We tend to do most things together.It's not really that we share each other's interests. More that we understand them and quite enjoy them, and they do overlap. Ann is sitting beside me whilst I type, and has agreed so far with what I've written. She now says
"We both enjoy pottering round early churches and buildings. In general we rub along together quite nicely. ButI do also enjoy the occasional outing with women friends, daughters, sisters-in-law, granddaughters, until last year - my mother - doing girly things."
Don't know that this helps.

Z said...

What is it with boys and stamps, Mig? Surely no female has ever collected stamps.

I'll never win him round to reading, except for information, or music, and if there was one change I'd make, that would be it. But perfection wouldn't do, would it?

luckyzmom said...

This conversation has been very helpful to listen to.