Various things have been ticked off the list, but it still gets longer. However, I feel generally optimistic about a lot of them. And my next post will be a cheerful one about the progress I'm making.
What is less cheering is the matter of the problems facing Pam and Peter, in part because they can't accept how grave these are. It's nearly 4 months since Peter had his stroke and, though he's a lot better than he was then, he has no movement at all in his right arm or leg, he still needs a small amount of thickener in drinks and not much texture to chew in food, or else he might choke. He still believes he will recover, but he does little to help that to happen. He has some simple exercises to do - basically, to lift his bad arm with his good arm, to exercise them both. He's supposed to do 10 repetitions of 4 exercises, 3 times a day and he doesn't. I'm not confident he does any of them. Nor does he do the cycling exercise, where the good leg powers the cycle machine, but it moves the other leg too. I think he believes he will heal spontaneously, like a cut or a fracture does, but he's not making progress in his physiotherapy sessions either any more, and complains that they hurt him when they move him - it's really that he's not trying very hard, so they have to push and pull him more. They have made it clear that he has to do the work and ask to be taken to the cycling machine, it's his effort and mental attitude that count. He's a lovely man, but will relax as long as he can, it is always Pam who's been the driving force.
Yesterday, he was very upset, because he had been told that he won't be likely to drive again and that the DVLA should be given his licence back. He asked Pam if she thinks he's fit to drive and she said no. He said, she had really disappointed him by saying this, as a quite hurtful criticism. Yet he cannot sit up properly, unsupported. He can't, for example, sit on the edge of the bed and move to a wheelchair. He needs a hoist and two people to be moved. He does nothing to help dress himself or really do anything else. The OT woman used the fact that, though he can see on his left side, he is unobservant as a result of the stroke and it would not be safe for him to drive. She kindly didn't point out that he can't even get into the driver's seat. With a paralysed left leg, he could not move from a chair to a car seat on the driver's side, even if he could then operate the controls. Which he couldn't. He's totally in denial, but if he truly faced the situation, he might give up hope.
A social care woman came to talk to them while I was there and I stayed, with permission. She gave options and their likely costs, which shocked them - as well it might. Peter is determined to go home and not into a care home, but he has no comprehension - this is not a lack of intelligence or mental ability, but an inability to face up to it - of how disabled he is. Even Pam, who is facing it more, thinks that, once he's home, she'll get him to do his exercises and it'll transform his abilities. This is unlikely to happen. They need various adaptations to the house - mostly, the ground floor is all right, but there are no suitable washing or toilet facilities. He thinks that the bathroom would be usable, but it wouldn't, the shower is a good size but there's a step to get in it and it's not wide enough for a wheelchair and a carer. Besides, he hasn't given any thought to how he'd get upstairs. He wouldn't be safe on a stair lift and the staircase isn't suitable anyway as it has a half landing and the wall is on the wrong side (the staircase splits to left and right at the half landing and the bathroom is on the banister side). A lift would take up half the landing and half the study and a hoist would then be needed in both the living room downstairs and the bedroom upstairs. He needs a wet room downstairs instead. Rather than give up the study, however, he wants to use part of the garage and access it via the utility room. But the wheelchair doesn't have room to manoeuvre around to that, it would need two tight turns, and a lot of building work would be needed. Comparatively easy would be conversion of the study to a wet room (the small downstairs toilet is next to it) and I suggested to Pam, on the way home, that she asks her plumber to come round, look at it and give an opinion and say how soon he could do it - they want him to move out in the next few weeks. She said, he's very helpful, he even kindly offered to drive her over to see Peter if she needs help. I explained that creating a whole new bathroom is a bit more time consuming than two hours to help her visit her husband, which hadn't occurred to her.
I'm so sorry for them and I'm doing what I can, whilst not getting emotional about it, which wouldn't help. The social care person is visiting their house next Thursday and I've offered to be there. I'll take notes and help to explain. She said she appreciated my input, when I asked if I was a nuisance when I chipped in and I think she meant it.
It makes me annoyed when people say 'oh, but age is just a number." Really, it isn't. Fine if you're in good health, but even then being 80 is not the same as being 40. Your attitude and approach to life makes a huge difference, but age counts. We are all in denial. I am, I'm not pretending I'm not. But at least I know it.
