A breach, dear friends and supper

What struck me most in the news today was the breach in the canal in Shropshire.  We didn't go on that stretch, when Mig and Barney kindly took me on a canal holiday in April 2015, but only because we went westwards over the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct into Wales.  A canal breach is always serious and this one was horrendous.  It was the good fortune of one man waking to use the loo in the night, at the right time to realise what was happening, jump off his narrowboat and warn his neighbours, that saved them.  I'm not sure what effect it'll have on boats stranded either side of the breach, they could be stuck for a long time.  

We went to visit Pam this afternoon.  I'm so awfully sorry for her.  Her family seems to squabble among themselves and her and they don't appear to recognise her loss of a husband of 50 years.  As difficult as she can be, she's the one whom all attention and kindness should be focussed on.  Having always been very capable and in charge, she now is very dependent, which is tough to cope with.  She needs to be listened to and helped, not argued with - it doesn't matter if there's a better way of doing something, she's at the centre of the circle and and complaints should go out, not in. 

Look up the circle of grief ring theory - summed up by "comfort in, dump out."  I saw what could happen when my father died, leaving my mother a sudden widow at 46.  "There! Now you'll know what it's like to be lonely!" is not the thing to say.  Nor "sell your big house and move to a nice little bungalow in Worlingham." I didn't get any of this, in fact, I didn't seem to attract unkindness.  Nor kindness, for the most part.  Numbered fewer than the fingers on one hand were local friends who asked me round, in the first year after Russell died.  Blog friends did considerably better and are so much loved - they already were, but appreciated even more.

If a friend is widowed, please ask them over.  Invite another couple or a few more friends, nothing to challenge but don't try to match up.  Within the first year, they may not notice, but after that they'll feel it's an attempt to pair with another single person.  Just include them, relaxedly.  They'll be incredibly grateful and may tell you so, years later.   Just a kitchen supper is fine.

Z seems to be too darn hot - just temperature, though

 I haven't been very well for the last few weeks.  I've tried to ignore it but I am finally acknowledging it.  

It started, early in the month with a threatened cold.  I didn't have time for a cold, so I took Lemsip and carried on and that seemed to be okay.  The two days we had in London were tiring, so being too tired for dinner and going straight to bed in the early evening, three days running, seemed understandable too.  The aching head - not a headache, my entire skull - and the aching jaws, so I couldn't eat chewy food, weren't that bad, because I was too tired to eat much anyway.

Just a virus, I assumed, which may well be right.  Not terribly likely to be cancer, weight loss is understandable because I'm hardly eating and the symptoms seem too sudden.  Glandular fever?  I've looked it up.  It might fit, actually.  Except, I've not knowingly absorbed anyone's saliva for well over four years. 

Anyway.  I'm not planning to snog anyone, so I'm not infectious.  But I slept all afternoon, having slept ten hours last night and been in bed for twelve.  My right lower jaw is tender, as if I've been punched.  I don't feel especially ill but, according to my watch, my night time heart rate and temperature have been appreciably raised for the last couple of weeks.  I'd just ignore it all, but I have a scheduled blood donation for the 2nd January and I think I'd better postpone it.  

When I'm not asleep, I'm sitting around reading, so there's that.

It's the season, so Z will be jolly

 Things don't get completed and I don't want to whinge, so I say nothing.  That is, I say nothing here, my sister and I, for different reasons, enjoyably whinge to each other and sympathise, so that job is done without adding to anyone else's burdens.  

Wink is away at present, having gone to Shaftesbury (near where she used to live) for a funeral.  She's glad that she saw her friend in September, because they hadn't been together since before lockdown - Wink moved in December 2020 and there had not been an opportunity earlier.  She was in her 90s, but so vibrant that it's hard to take in.

I'm off to Pam this afternoon again, for the third time in a week - Christmas is just having to look after itself - and hope to help with some necessary paperwork.  I scanned various papers onto my computer and have emailed them to her, so that they can go on hers, not that she can use it.  Understandably, she wasn't interested and Peter was happy to look after things, so she never learnt.  

We went to London last week, which was excellent.  I've been meaning to go to the Wallace Collection, not having visited for some years.  Then I read that Caravaggio's fantastic Cupid is on loan from a Berlin museum, so it was a good moment.  It's a terrific painting, of course and it's just right there, without any barriers, in this most civilised of museums.  We didn't spend a lot of time on the rest of the collection, so will have to go another time.  Then my friend who's a picture frame expert took us to the National Gallery to tell us about the really amazing work the framing team has been doing and also the complete rehanging of the paintings that took place this year, following the refurb of the Sainsbury's wing.  

Next day, we went to the Tate to see the Lee Miller photo exhibition and the Turner/Constable exhibition that celebrates the 250th anniversary of their birth.  I can very much recommend both - allow plenty of time, because they're both sizeable exhibitions.  We will have to go back, because there was a fire alarm when we'd only been there 40 minutes or so and we had to trudge outside, wait for half an hour and then very slowly were allowed back in again.  We knew immediately it was just a drill, as the fire brigade didn't turn up.  I suppose these things are necessary and there's never a good time, but we were fairly pissed off, as our time was limited by the time of our train back.  

Two big exhibitions in one morning were a lot, but we'd planned to stop for coffee and there was no time for that, but never mind.  We will just plan another jolly.

But now, I'm making toasted cheese and then will head off to see Pam.

When Z gets old and losing whatever (I count on keeping my hair)

 I'll say cautiously, it's okay this week, so far.  One friend, not even one I'd mentioned, who'd had various physical problems for most of the last 18 months, increased in the last 3, was tested for cancer (not directly linked with anything else she'd had) last week and has been cleared.  So that's one piece of fantastic news.  

A wonderful lecture this morning, very well received and people already want to have her again.  The great thing about booking lecturers is that I get a lot of the credit.  People thank me!  I've done nothing except book them.  I do go to a lot of trouble and research thoroughly and make every effort to get everything to go well, but that's not the point, it's the person and their delivery that matter.  I belatedly filled in the report forms for the autumn lectures and gave three outstandings and an excellent, which was absolutely to their credit.  If there's any extent to which I get any credit for recognising potential, it just shows I'm a background person and I'm fine with that.  

I'm picking Pam up tomorrow and taking her to her house, to fetch some papers.  She'd asked one of her offspring, who's really busy.  Actually, I'm really busy too, but I prioritise and Pam is my friend.  I'd prioritise her more than anything else if she were my mother and I lived only 10 miles away.  But I also recognise family conflicts over many years and taking sides isn't my business.  I just think that one needs to do the right thing or else walk away altogether - which may well be justifiable.  I rather hope that I'll never be so much despised by my children.

I don't know if I'll have a long life - I've already outlived a short one, but I don't have expectations.  All I hope is that, if I'm destined to be an old woman, I'll be a lovely one.  Kind and willing to listen and praise.  It's honestly all I really want in my old age, if I get there.  Although 72, I don't count myself there yet.  

Z's fine, but how are you?

 Srsly, this is all getting a bit much.  It started with M's planned foot operation, so just a bit of hospital driving there.  But that friend hadn't had quite enough drama and became bored after a few weeks, so she climbed on a stool to put something on top of the wardrobe ... and then couldn't get down, so she jumped.  One foot in a splint and a surgical boot, the other knee in a brace.

Another friend had a new hip after a fall, more than a year ago and it's never quite been the same since, but she somehow jarred the other hip and now can hardly walk.

Mother of the bride in the Mexican wedding back in March has broken her hip.  It was the smallest fall, but an awkward landing and she has been in hospital for a fortnight, because she already had other complications, as well as very low blood pressure.

Friend in America has a dropped foot, following some nerve damage during a tricky back operation (that op was a success, but recovery is taking a while).

Kent schoolfriend fell off a stool while hanging up the washing and hurt her wrist, which had been broken while she was in Italy earlier this year.  It's okay, she's had it checked, but she's bruised and in pain.

Then it got worse, because my friend who had a stroke back in February has died.  It was unexpected, though his condition had deteriorated in the past few months, since he left rehab.

And a friend of Wink's, down where she used to live, died today.  Zellah must have been at least 90, but she always seemed to be at least 15 years younger.  Wink saw her back in the summer, after a break of a few years, which she's glad of, but she's very upset.

Wink is hoping to visit her Indian friend in the spring, but the daughter says, carefully, to buy a refundable ticket.  So we're rather bracing ourselves.

We're fine, thanks for asking, but it's all getting rather nerve-wracking.  We're wondering what the next bad news will be.

Bless us, every one

 Nothing gets less complicated.

We were taking friends to the local theatre to see a one-man performance of A Christmas Carol.  I love this story.  You might think it's mawkish (God bless us, every one) but it really isn't.  It's lovely.  It's kind and true and heartfelt and, though I recognise that I'm getting more sentimental as I get older, I'm holding to that.  It says that people matter most and I know that's true.

Having said that, one has to know that oneself is a person.  Sometimes, everyone comes before oneself and that isn't good.

After the CC, our friend came home for the night - she was in an even worse state than the last time we saw her wearing her surgical boot.  She'd managed to mash the other knee too.  I won't go further, except to say that, when she said it had been her own fault, we didn't argue.

I have car problems.  Not saying more about that as yet - if ever - because I don't want to raise my blood pressure with a rant.

Other stuff too, including a message from the person who was going to cut the roadside hedge last week, to say his tractor was out of action and he couldn't do it.  I'm a bit dismayed and trying to find someone else.  And the guy clearing the beck pointed out that he couldn't clear round 'that' tree, covered in ivy, because it's plainly dead and, if it falls one way it'd go onto electricity cables and, on the opposite, onto phone cables.  There are two other directions, so I've asked friend Rob for advice.  I have Tom up my sleeve.

Today, more Stuff and then I went to the weekly antiques talk.  I had several calls - luckily, I hadn't forgotten to silence my phone.  But I didn't get back to S. until 3 pm - she's the daughter of Pam and Peter, whom I've mentioned.  Peter had a serious stroke back in February and they moved to a care home a few weeks ago.  Unexpectedly, Peter has died - that is, I had sadly recognised that he would not live all that long, but not that he was so ill.  But he hated the thickener that he had to have with drinks and avoided it whenever he wasn't watched and, getting liquid into his lungs as a consequence had caused pneumonia.  I have no comment on whether that should have been picked up, because I genuinely don't know.  But he was too frail for breathing problems.  

As soon as I spoke to their daughter, I went over to visit Pam.  I stayed until Susie arrived.  I've emailed her with good advice (re funeral etc) but said she's welcome to ignore it, which I mean.  Russell died just over three weeks before Ronan's wedding and three days before a holiday weekend, so I had to crack on with arrangements.  It's no disrespect.

Another friend texted me yesterday to say that she broke her hip a fortnight ago and is still in hospital.  I plan to visit in the morning.

Another friend, with several health problems, has now told me that she may have cancer and is having tests shortly.  I'll email her next.

If you have been, thanks for listening.  And if you are relatively well, as I am, let us all be grateful and help those who aren't.  

Z waffles as if it's the old days

I felt a little alarmed when I realised the date.  But the C-word date is inexorable and it doesn't really matter whether I feel ready for it or not.  In any case, I've got a social life to sort out before that.  Today, we're having lunch with friends in Norwich - they're really my sister's friends, but I'm the driver of the family and so she can't go without me.  My car is back in the garage, though.  

For some months, various warning signs came up when I started it.  These were just notifications that alerts didn't work - but they did, so it was evidently the warnings that were faulty.  It started up as an occasional fault and then increased in frequency, but it took me a while to get around to having it looked at.  Finally, it was sorted out in September except for one, which was about the electric traction system and that notification, it seems, was a known fault and would be replaced free.  Six weeks later, the part finally came in and I was lent a car while mine was being dealt with.  The replacement car was enormous.  Both much wider and longer than mine, also electric - it was actually a pleasure to drive, but I felt ostentatious and was glad when I returned it.  It was also a problem to park, as it needed so much space.  But it has been good not to have warnings pop up any more - until Friday evening, when it happened again.  So I phoned the garage - this time, someone came over to fetch the car, so I'll use the other one when we go out.  So nice to have the car picked up, just like the old days when lovely Graham from Charlish's used to offer.

However, we've had a lot of frost since I last drove the BMW and I'm not quite used to a reliable battery on it, so I think I'm going to take it for a spin now, rather than risk having to jump start it when we're due to leave.  I hope that 'spin' won't be literal, as - for complicated reasons that I'm sure I've explained before - it has summer tyres on it, so I don't usually take it out much in winter, though last night's frost has lifted.

I'll have time for shopping when we get to Friday afternoon, I think.  I wonder what people would like?