Monday, 17 March 2008

Five years

As you may know, I only note good anniversaries on the whole, but the exception is today, it being the fifth anniversary of the death of my mother.

She'd lived with us, in a Granny annexe, for 15 years, though she didn't much enjoy it - she felt that she'd rather lost her identity, living in her son-in-law's house, amongst other things, and she'd not been well at all for several years. She had numerous tests, but it was not until she became acutely ill in the September that a secondary cancer was found in her pancreas and we were told that the longest she could hope to live was 6 months. She had a stent put in to keep the bile duct open and was given painkillers and sent home. This was fine, I could look after her and we accepted the situation.

I've sometimes wondered whether to write about it all, but I'm not sure what I'd be doing it for. But I will say this - those final six months were fabulous. She became remarkably well and even was able to drive again. I cooked all her food - she had to have a very low fat diet and had become rather faddy about food in the years when she had cancer somewhere in her digestive system, so was often ill after eating: she blamed the food rather than her body because so many tests had come up negative. I'm adept at managing any type of diet as a result and never forget an allergy or preference. You want no gluten, no dairy, high protein, low GI, no nuts, fish or sugar, I'm your girl and will incorporate it into a meal with none of the other diners being aware of it.

Anyway, she was fine and, as the doctor had told us, she died quickly - she felt unwell on the Wednesday evening, was finally given a morphine pump on Saturday midday and died soon after midnight on Sunday morning. Quite a weekend, that, for another reason too - I'll probably tell you about it some day. I could also tell you about her funeral, which was exceeded in complexity only by that of the Queen Mother.

I don't know if you've noticed, but doctors like a neatness in their estimations. They'll say "it might be three days, it might be three weeks", for example. In her case, when she asked - as you do, I think it's irresistible even though you know it's pointless - how long she might live, the young doctor said "six weeks to six months". It just so happened that he said that on 17th September 2002, which was a neat coincidence.

15 comments:

LizSara said...

Sometimes it's good to remember sad anniversaries. I had a similar one last Friday and while it's sad, it's nice to remember the happy too.

Blue Witch said...

I hope it's a happy sad day for you.

The Boy said...

They're never easy those sorts of days. Its funny, I seem to have done well at forgetting the actual date of some of my sad moments. Means the memories hit any time...

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Z said...

Neatly put, BW.

And thank you all.

I did the major part of my grieving back when we were first told she would die. I fell apart then - but even then I knew I wouldn't have to go through that acute grief again when she died.

john.g. said...

When my Mum died 7 years ago, she was told two weeks. It was 5 months, but It doesn't make it easier. Hugs xx

jAMiE said...

So sorry for your loss...but sounds like you'll get through this sad day with some happy memories..thank God for those!

dharmabum said...

hey, this is a bitter sweet post. i like the way you've recounted her last days with you. mothers are the best, methinks.

sending you hugs :)

How do we know said...

:-) As always...how do you write so well?

Brom said...

Respect.

Of course you have all the really good memories as well!

Z said...

John, what a horrible shock for you. We found it hard enough, living from day to day, although we became used to it and she was so well that I wasn't at all prepared for her sudden deterioration.

Z said...

Oh, and thank you all again xx

Dave said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave said...

Sorry, I haven't felt up to commenting on this post until now.

In the last five years I've been alongside several people who have been told they only have a limited time to live. It's a privilege, of course, particularly as most of them have been positive an uncomplaining. The funerals were good occasions too.

My dad died 10 years ago this summer (after successfully getting through a serious operation, a week later he suddenly died from a blot clot - perhaps I didn't have time then to say goodbye properly) an anniversary, for some reason, to which I am not looking forward.

Z said...

*hug*, Dave

Monozygote said...

I didn't feel up to commenting on it either, sorry, but I was thinking of you too.

Five years isn't really that long, and it's good to commemorate the things that are important, whether happy or sad. Sometimes more so for the sad things.

Lots of love
x